I always told myself that i would graduate high school without ever having smoked a single thing, taken a single illegal drug, or sipped one sip of alcohol.
In fact, I pretty muched assumed that because i obtained the title “good kid” I would never find myself at a “party”
but this weekend, It all happened. It all came crashing down like a house of cards.
On friday, I lied to my mom and told her that I would be at work late working on a new floor set. ( I work at an athletic retail store) but what was really happening was something I never pictured myself taking part in….at all…ever..
I went with some work friends to a house shared by 4 college guys… Sounds safe, right?
Well it gets worse. I show up, the guys are playing rock band or some game like it, jamming out to asking Alexandria. Then my friend Maria walks in and just hands me a glass of Mike’s hard lemonade. * okay i know what you’re thinking…okay, kid. Its only hard lemonade. True, but you must keep in mind I have never even sipped alcohol before. So of course, I practically down the drink and when it comes time to smoke weed from a community bong, I literally stumble to the kitchen. This is when Elizabeth mocks me for stumbling after one bottle of hard lemonade.
The collaborative smoking then percedes and I find myself mildly drunk and high. It was then that my fears about driving home in an hour set in so i stop ingesting this stuff. I watch as my friends begin playing beer pong. Then i find myself snuggling on a couch in the garage with Daniel, my work buddy. What is wrong with me? He starts getting all touchy-feely and asks me to go inside with him. Thankfully I was sober enough to say “no” after the 7 times he asked me.
Its weird because I was freaking out but having an awesome time. Its like i hated what i was doing but loved it all at once. Finally, by midnight, I gathered the composure to hop in my car and drive slowly home, smelling faintly of pot and Jack Daniels.
I remember my pastor listing the steps of sinful behavior and the progression puts chills to my bones.
1. A hardened heart
2. a loss of sensitivity
3. a step of ignorange
4. a desire for more.
I found myself feeling better than ever when I got home. Being high is a good feeling, and i wanted more. I think, how did i let this happen? How did i let my friend coworker even consider taking advantage of me? Why did i lie to my mom?
I think about the idea that while i was at this so called “party” there was a girls lock in at my church accompanied by a bible study and games. All these girls that look up to my Godly example have no idea that while they all thought i was working, I was smoking and drinking with college kids.
The question now is. What do i do with all this? do i go confess to everyone i know about what i did on Friday night? Do I act like it never happened and never do it again? Or do i do what sounds like more fun to me and make this habitual?
I know what the “good kid” answer is. and i know what the “fun kid” answer is….
but, who am i and what is MY answer?
I came to the realization that I was sick of posting garbage, fluff, things that were appealing to others. What happened to honesty? What happened to the idea that we are human, we make mistakes, and that we shouldn’t be afraid to post about them.
Well this is the blog that i created so that no one will know who I am or what really goes on in my life. But at the same time, a place where i can be honest with myself. I don’t have to post inspirational shit or tend to the preferences of my followers. Now, I have no followers to please. Its just me.
So here I go.